Threshed and Ground to Perfection.

When I was a little girl, my family would have dinner together and then spend some time reading through a devotional, the Bible, or perhaps a chapter from a book. I have fond but foggy memories of listening to my parents read to us from "Hinds' Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard. Recently I decided to pick up a copy and read it again for myself.

If you haven't read this oldie but goodie, I highly recommend you pick it up; it's a wonderful allegory for the Christian journey each of us must take in order to see Glory. I'm about halfway through my read and came upon a reference to Isaiah 28:27-29, which says:

27 Caraway is not threshed with a sledge,
nor is a cartwheel rolled over cummin;
caraway is beaten out with a rod,
and cummin with a stick.

28 Grain must be ground to make bread;
so one does not go on threshing it forever.
Though he drives the wheels of his threshing cart over it,
his horses do not grind it.

29 All this also comes from the LORD Almighty,
wonderful in counsel and magnificent in wisdom. (NIV)



-Every grain is uniquely ground to suit it's kind
-It is not ground forever, but just until it is the consistency of the grinder's purpose
-All this is from an all-powerful, mighty God, who intended it this way

In my application to my life, I thought about how uniquely we are made in God's eyes. Each one of us with different strengths, weaknesses, and needs. God takes us to the threshing floor, he grinds us, refines us, and makes us just the right consistency so that we may glorify Him and function as God intended for each one of us.

The main character, Much-Afraid, witnesses this process happening with the grain and then steps outside with the realization that when we go through trials, roadblocks in the way of getting to our goal, the delay is not unto death, but for the ultimate glory of God.

So we must live. Striving always to have acceptance with joy in the midst of being threshed, ground, and refined.

Brother.

This morning Josh went to be with the Lord. Finally his body has been restored, he lives without any pain, and he is completely healed! Definitely know it hasn't all sunk in, it seems so surreal. We've spent ten months knowing this day would come and now it is here. I'm relieved to know Josh doesn't have to fight anymore, I'm sad there will be no new memories made with him, I rejoice that he is up in Heaven now, singing, laughing, dancing, and doing it all pain free. I love you bro.

Mucho Grande

I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to join five women on an excursion into the depths of the Grand Canyon last week! What an experience! I cannot wait until the next time I can return to that absolutely breath-taking canyon!

Due to time constraints and the short amount of time we had to plan, we did a day hike descending from the South Rim on the South Kaibab Trail, cutting west on the Tonto Trail to Indian Garden, and then ascending the Bright Angel Trail. All in all, the hike was a little over 13 miles.

I could not have asked for a better group of women to participate in this experience! From the night before where we all gathered to talk about what we wanted to hear from God the next day, to the post hike debriefing on the porch, every lady added something personal to the experience!



It's hard to be in that canyon, looking all around, and not recognize a higher power and Ultimate Creator of such beauty/enormity/perfection. Each person in our group at one point or another was turning her face heavenward either in gratitude, desperation, requisition, or perhaps all three! At times one can get caught up in the act of putting one's nose to the grindstone and forget the environment in which we find ourselves. One of the ladies early on in the hike said to no one in particular, "Don't miss it!" From that moment on, that phrase stuck with me as I meandered through the valleys, zig zagged the switchbacks, and spurred on my sisters.



As I was hiking, I recall saying to my Maker, "more of you and less of me." That was the goal. Abide in Him, and be filled with Him, as I emptied myself. One of the gals described the journey in this way: As we descended, we were still functioning on our own strength, filled with ourselves. As we depleted our resources, our energy and our rations, we were emptying ourselves until there was nothing left. This made room for the turn around to make the journey up and out, being filled with what God had to pour into us. By coming to the end of ourselves, it makes room for God to come in and fill us with Him.



I am so very thankful for this trip down into the canyon, and count it an honor to have experienced it with Alisa, Erica, Lindsey, Molly, and Renee!

Some updated pics.

I'm taking a pause from my regular self-reflective posts in order to share with all of you a couple of the latest pics I've snapped of the cutest kid in the whole wide world. My niece. Lucy. Hopefully these will make you smile and make your day a little brighter! Observe:

This Life

As I watch one family member inch closer and closer to death, I watch another one blossom with each new day into life. Oh, the cycle of life. The pain, the joy, the suffering, the fear, the control, the letting go. I feel them all right now, running through me like a stream, different from one moment to the next.

A friend of mine lost her mom to cancer today. One more reminder of the brevity of life. My prayers are with her and her family.

I had probably the hardest conversation I've ever had to initiate yesterday. The specifics of arrangements after you've left this earth are not fun things to talk about with anyone. Neither is putting in writing the black and white layout of when you would not want to be resuscitated. But Josh took it in stride, and was a champ. Hopefully the subject will not have to be broached again for a long time. I don't think I could handle many more of those.

I hope Josh returns in three weeks completely rejuvenated and alive with a renewed hope for a miracle and a restored sense of well-being. The realistic side of me has to question if he will return. All I can do is pray now. All I can do is send him my love and my petitions to the Lord for a safe and pain free experience. In less than 4 hours he will be on his way to the airport and I won't be able to control a single thing. Of course, I can't control anything now either, but if he is living a few miles away, I'm under the impression that I can.

My prayers of peace are with you, brother. I love you, and I hope your time in Florida is everything you hope it will be.

More questions than answers.

What do you do when your best efforts aren't ever good enough? How do you hold those you love with an open hand, when all you want to do is squeeze them tightly? What do you say to someone who is staring death in the face? How do you comfort them? What does that journey down that road look like? Is there any way to prepare for it? What do you do to find peace, when all around you is utter chaos? What if the only constant in your life right now is change?

These are just a few of the questions swirling around in my brain right now. A few things that I am attempting to wrap my head around while also staying present and mindful of the activity happening right NOW.

My family is being wrung out, refined, put in the kiln, and stripped bare right now. Some days are better than others, some moments are better than others. Some days just feel like I am an article of clothing, thrown in the wash and swirling around without any hope of finding rest until the cycle is complete. Hmmm, until I am made complete?

On any given day: I'm a single parent, a parent to a parent, a chauffer, a caregiver, a listener, a truth-teller, a prayer warrior, a chef, a housekeeper, a yogi, a learner, a teacher, one and only one person.

I can only do what I can do. I can only handle what I can handle. I have to stay healthy, I must have good self-care, and I have to let it ALL go and give it ALL to God. These are important points to remind myself of at the moment. Oh yeah, and give myself and others grace all the while.

The Calm AFTER the storm

We have had a DOWNPOUR of rain the last few days here in Arizona. Some towns had to even go into a state of emergency because the flooding was so bad; and there were power outages all across the state. However, the desert just absolutely SOAKED up the rain and loved every single minute of it! And it shows.

Bella and I needed some quality time together, it had been a while. She and I took a nice jaunt around the North Mountain preserve. I knew we would be in for a treat so I brought my camera along with me. She's nothin special, but it will give you a little idea of the beauty we beheld!

I love the red in the spikes!

I guess it can be the mountains or desert, she's just happy to be in the outdoors!

It was so incredible to see the young new growth that blanketed the desert floor with green

I love when the clouds are like this, so dramatic!

Cruisin' Clips

Blogging is sort of one of those things for me that is added to the list, but somehow gets shuffled down to the bottom repeatedly, until I find myself in that perfect place to sit down, quiet my mind, and write. I think it is a good practice for me, so I will press on and continue to make it...somewhat...of a priority, but it is a little but more work than pleasure.


With that said, I have to blog about the wonderful experience of going on a family cruise to the Mexican Riviera two weeks ago! I approached the cruise with a few apprehensive thoughts, especially since the WHOLE family would be going. Family dynamics are an interesting animal, and I wasn't so sure I was up for the management of it this time around.



Fortunately, God was so gracious to me and the rest of the family in giving us a really wonderful time together! A fabulous waitstaff served us every single evening in the dining hall, beautiful cabins for each of us (balconies overlooking the ocean) were both turned down for us at night and made up the next morning, gorgeous weather, and a new shared experience.

Some highlights:
A week on a HUGE ship with no responsibilities
GOOOOD food
A beautiful workout facility-working out with Mom on the treadmills
Rockclimbing with David every day on deck 14 of the ship
Ping Pong with Dad
Blackjack with the siblings one night in my room
Admiring the rock formations at Cabo San Lucas, dipping in the ocean with Dad
Waking up early and seeing the sun rise on Mazatlan
Watching dolphins jump out of the water and whales spray water into the air!
Heading up into the hills at Puerto Vallarta and doing 13 ziplines with David and Dad (at one point 400ft in the air, going 1800ft across a canyon, hanging upside down, and going backwards!)
Amazing times spent with just me and God.



I consciously made the effort while on the cruise to spend at least an hour of time with the Lord while I had the opportunity to do so. There was no excuse not to! It was a really amazing time. I spent each day reading a chapter in a book by Ruth Haley Barton called, "Invitation to Solitude and Silence". At the end of the chapter is a practice focusing on sitting in silence and concentrating on what the Lord might have to teach you that day. Lots of reflection and lots of time listening in silence. SO GOOD!

Provision.

Almost three weeks ago, my car was stolen from in front of the house where I've been living. My initial feelings ran a wide spectrum- I felt violated, I felt like an injustice had happened to me, I was in shock; and yet, there was a peace over me as well. I just needed to sort of laugh at the situation and take a step back to see how God was going to come through on this one.

There were a few complicating factors: I totaled my car three years ago and collected a salvage check, I don't have homeowner's insurance or renter's insurance, my title and all car paperwork is in a file...that's in the trunk of the car.

About a week ago I found out that my car was worth $400 back in 2006 after my accident, so a claims investigator was confused as to why I have been paying comprehensive rates on my car for the last three years on a car that is basically worth zilch at this point....after I heard that news, I was a bit ticked at my insurance agent that he hadn't informed me of this little tidbit of information. After doing a few calculations, I was about $1500 in the hole in overpayments alone. Not to mention the personal effects in the car that weren't going to be reimbursed.

Enter the good news: my dad was meeting with a family friend about something completely unrelated, but was telling her about my situation. She informed my dad that her mother had recently passed away and a car had been left in her possession that she had no use for keeping. She enthusiastically insisted that she give the car to me. After my dad found out that it was a car somewhat resembling a boat, he gently stated that it might not be a great fit for his daughter (the practical, gas-saving, earth-loving being that she is).

However, after a little more thought, my dad told his friend that he would be delighted to take the car, and he would give the car that he is driving, to me! Now this is something I can drive! My dad will be the proud owner of a boat that has 37,000 miles it, is ancient, and yet is in immaculate condition.

Fast forward to Christmas Eve: My insurance claims agent leaves a message on my cell. They have decided to settle and close my claim, with no news on the car, they have decided to cut me a check.....for $2000!!!!!!

HECK YES!

I not only will be GIVEN a car, but I will have more than enough money to replace the belongings that were in the car originally!

And that's what I call, provision.

Home.

This past week I had the opportunity to spend time back in my old stopping grounds of Denver, CO to take a mini vacation while David and JJ packed up their house in Nashville. They finally closed on it on Friday! It has been three and a half months now since I jam-packed my room into my Honda Civic (bless it’s soul, wherever it’s stolen remains may be) and drove back to Phoenix. My how life takes us on so many twists and turns. Since then, Josh was diagnosed with cancer, my grandmother passed away, my parents moved, David and JJ have a song on the radio, Lucy celebrated her first birthday, my car got stolen and perhaps another one might be given to me….

Despite the rollercoaster that has been my life, taking a break and returning to Denver still felt like home. Catching up with friends was like putting on my winter coat that has been hanging in my closet the last several months- it fit like a glove and was as comfortable as ever! I enjoyed every minute spent with friends, laughing and crying, walking and talking, listening and telling. As much as Denver is a place where I feel at peace, I also know that Phoenix is where I am meant to be during this season of my life. I don’t know how long this season will be, but while I am in it, I will try my hardest to bloom where I’m planted, take a day at a time, notice God’s little graces throughout the day, and recognize God’s provision and orchestration every step of the way.

My hope is that during this Christmas season, we will all recognize God’s ultimate provision for us. Merry Christmas friends!

NoCal

Today is the last day that we are in San Jose before heading back to AZ for some Thanksgiving dinner and time at home for a few weeks! While in Northern California, there were many things to smile about, whether it be a really good interview for JJ on KLove, or me getting to see an old friend I've known since I was 11. We also spent an afternoon in San Fransisco on the way back to San Jose from the Klove studio in Sacramento. I had never been up to Coit Tower before, so the four of us headed up for the spectacular view it provides at the top of the hill, overlooking the bay in a 360 degree view! My favorite line of the day was from JJ who said, "Today, I love my job." My sentiments exactly!

Here are a few pics from our time!

On our way to Fisherman's Warf for a Chowder breadbowl

The Girls :)

The Bay Bridge on a beautiful day

Kristin and me- friends from the club soccer days

The Trip to Tucson

On Tuesday this week I took Josh down to the University Medical Center down in Tucson for his second Chemotherapy drip. I wanted to do this. I wanted to do this for myself, so that I could experience what Josh goes through when he is getting his treatment. I wanted to be able to relate to him regarding this experience. I wanted to do it for my parents. They have done so much for Josh lately, it was time to give them a break. I wanted to do it for Josh, to give him a break from my parents, and to walk beside him through this journey.

I felt the prayers of those who have been supporting me and my family. I felt like God carried us through the whole process on Tuesday, from start to finish. The staff at UMC are really wonderful, the facilities are very comfortable and peaceful, and the free wireless connection was a nice bonus :)

It was hard to hold back asking Josh questions about the process of the day, but I could tell her was anxious about it already, and I didn't need to add to that. So I tried as best I could to accommodate him, carry his stuff, grab things from the car if he needed them, and waited...and waited...and waited.

Every nurse that Josh came in contact with was soon won over by his knowledge of what they were doing, or his vigor in wanting to hit this cancer with all he's got. Every procedure left everyone with a smile on their face, from the blood draw, to the exam, to the 3 1/2 hours of chemo. It was pretty amazing to watch, actually. Josh just has a way with the nurses.

The next day was a little more on the overwhelming side for me, as we met with the homeopathic doctor (cash only) and he recommended about half a dozen supplements for Josh to take, on top of the other four or five medications he is already taking. I agree the Western medicine and Eastern medicine should coincide with one another, I just wish there was a way to get some of it covered by insurance. Josh is shoveling out a lot of money for these natural remedies. On top of which, he is talking to two or three other friends that are recommending their own concoctions for Josh to try. Josh's brain just soaks up all the information, but hearing all of this stuff for the first time sort of made m head spin and overwhelmed me.

And even though I want Josh to do whatever he can to kill this cancer, I think there has to be a limit to how many different things he can put in his body. This next cycle, if Josh ingested all the pills that have been recommended by all of the people he has been talking to, he is probably up to a couple dozen a day. Between the Xeloda, the anti-nausea, the pain killers, the supplements, and the homeopathic remedies. It was all just a little much for me.

The important thing is that I experienced it all WITH Josh. We were able to talk about it. Sit in it. And just be. I made sure he knew that I love him and want what is best for him. And he gave me permission to kick his butt back into place if it comes to that.

We made it back home, I went for a nice long run yesterday afternoon, and then had a wonderful yoga session this morning. Thank the Lord for exercise! Now I prepare for a week and a half on the road....Texas and California here we come!

How quickly things can change.

Quite the contrast from my last post, but such is life. I have spent the last day and a half full time with JJ and little Lucy to provide some extra help while David spends the weekend with some old buddies hiking down the Grand Canyon. I'm a bit jealous. Things have been going well, Lucy has been great during the day....last night was a little rough in the sleep department. Must have been going around though, because when the three of us arrived at my parent's house this morning to check out the neighborhood garage sale, I could tell it was gonna be a rough day with Josh.

Things have been going so well lately, but today was one of those days. When he's feeling good, life is good. When he's feeling crappy, it takes a toll on us all. I understand that there will be good days and bad days. And I understand that one's attitude will be affected by this. What I get upset about is the backlash that is directed towards my parents.

These actions are inexcusable and unmerited in regards to my parent's actions and constant sacrifice of themselves for Josh's sake. I become defensive of my parents, especially my mom, who bears the brunt of it, and absorbs all of Josh's comments and harsh words with grace and patience. But I know it is slowly chipping away at her, and it must hurt her heart. It hurts mine.

How do I just allow this to continue? How do I just let it go? Can't I fix it? Isn't there something I can do? Can't this all just go away???

A few days ago I felt like a load had been lifted off of me. Today that load just came back in full force upon me like flash flood.

His mercies are new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness. And repeat.

I think it all hurts so much because I love my family so much. I love Josh. I love my parents. I don't want to see them hurt each other. I don't want Josh to feel like there isn't a single person in our family that isn't on his side. We are all pulling for him, we are all here for him and love him. He needs to see that and recognize it for himself. I can't make him see that. That's a choice he has to make.

May God grant me the gift of mercy and patience during this time. To love Josh without condition. Without expectation. Wanting only what is best for him, what God wants for him.

Normalizing

I don't know if that's an actual word, but I feel like that's what has happened to me and my family in the last couple of weeks. Seems as though a load has been lifted off of my shoulders, and it was by no strength on my part. Someone much stronger needed to take that load, thank goodness for Him!

I am thankful for a great boss who takes morning and afternoon naps, for the chance to walk through my parent's front door on a daily basis, if I so choose, for sunny days in November to hike a mountain or go on a long trail run. I've found solace in practicing Holy Yoga at my church on a regular basis. It may sound cheesy, but don't knock it til you try it, Alisa will kick your butt!

One more week here in Phoenix before another road trip for a few days. But I'll be ready then. It's been great to be in once place, but it's fun to mi it up every once in a while.

Also, JJ's song "Your hands" has taken off on the radio! She can be heard on a couple major radio stations across the country, including Klove and KSBJ! It's been fun to receive texts from people all across the US who are listening to JJ and wanna share in the excitement :)

God is good. All the time. And His mercies are new every morning.

Truly.

Processing....

Tonight marks the start of the longest stint for being "off" since I started working for David and JJ at the end of August. They don't have any performances until Saturday night, so I feel like I will finally get some time to settle in to my new "home" for now. At the top of the list is getting some rest and hanging with my parents and Josh, but I also want to reconnect with old friends and assemble some sense of community for times like this, when I will be in one place for a couple weeks.

I started that reconnecting tonight. I went for a walk with a friend I've known for years. Walks are one of my favorite activities to do with another person, for various reasons. Firstly, the pace is one that is compatible for two people of varying fitness levels. Secondly, walking allows one to take in a lot more of the surrounding elements as opposed to running, in which case I am mostly focused on not scuffing my foot on the pavement and falling on my face. Thirdly, I think it is something that was modeled by the One I try to pattern my life after, most days. He walked and talked with people, sharing, listening, walking in stride with those He loved.

So tonight I walked with my friend. It had been a while. It felt comfortable. Through sharing about my life and what I've been experiencing the last couple of months- the changes, the trials, the tears, I was struck with the importance of verbal communication...once again. I'd like to think I can process my life on my own, in my head, but tonight was a good reminder that when I try to process in my head, sometimes I don't ask myself questions that I don't feel like answering. By verbally processing with someone else, questions are asked of me that are outside of my ability to shove away or ignore.

Why do I want to avoid those questions? Ah, that is the question. Perhaps for fear of what the answer might be? Is it fear itself? Will I have to change? Am I in the wrong in some way? Is it because the answer is that I can't control everything and everyone? I'm sure there is a surplus of other questions to ask in order to get to the bottom of that main question.

What I will say, is that I am grateful to the friends who WILL ask me those questions, and then walk with me, side by side, as I process. Thank you to those who have already been a part of this, and to those who will play a role in the future. Life is meant to be lived with others. Shared.

Anyone wanna go for a walk? :)

Happiest Place on Earth!

We've been in California since last Friday. After David and JJ sang at a church in Northern California on Sunday morning, we made our way down to Southern California for a few days off before they perform on UCLA's campus tonight. JJ celebrated her 29th birthday while we've been on the road, and what better way to celebrate than to go to Disneyland! In 2009 Disneyland is giving free admission on your birthday, so JJ wanted to take advantage of the opportunity and take Lucy along for the ride.




We spent a solid 5 hours at the park. JJ's grandpa met us there on his motorized scooter....which got us to the FRONT of EVERY ride in a matter of seconds! It was great! Thanks, Bampa! Another treat was that the University of Portland soccer team ended up being there that afternoon. I was able to meet up with a couple of the gals near "It's a Small World". Thought it was only appropriate that that should be the meeting place :)




Lucy was a champ! She did great, and we each go to go on a ride that we wanted to, before heading out.



We will get a few weeks at home in Phoenix after this performance at UCLA tonight. It will be good to get some time with the family, and stay put for a little while. Some fun updates on Lucy's development: She is now a clapping machine! Yes, that's right, Lucy has learned how to clap. She is also enjoying many more solid foods, and is not a fan of baby food mush anymore. She's become quite the babbler. She's getting pretty good at entertaining herself in her carseat now :)

Birthday Happenings

I had a wonderful birthday yesterday, spent with David, JJ and little Lucy! The day started with a walk, girls only, to the farmer's market down the road from JJ's parent's house. I love the freshness of the market, the personal touch, the direct exchange from grower to buyer, and all the fun colors!





The after noon included a trip to a wonderful Thai place in Santa Cruz and some beach time:





It was a good day. I felt special, and happy to be alive :) Thanks for a fun day David and JJ! (and Lucy)

What about me?

After JJ and David sang five times in two days, we are preparing to head out of the Redlands, and back to Phoenix for a much needed few days of rest. I've still been living out of the same suitcase that I left Denver with, one month ago....with a couple loads of laundry in between.

I enjoyed seeing a good friend while I was here in California. She added a slice of familiarity and comfort that I really needed. Thanks Kel. She reminded me that I can't take care of anyone if I don't take care of myself. I know that, and I can tell myself that, but there's a feel that's completely different hearing it from someone else. It caused me to break down for a second and shed a few tears. I think I've done a good job of being self aware through this process, but it is also easy to lose perspective and keep giving and giving and going strong, because there is so much to be done, and always something to do. Someone to care for.

Today we are driving back to AZ, and after four days of watching a little one, I will stay a night at my parents house and take on the responsibility of watching out for three big ones. Not because it's expected, because I love them. Because I know the stress they are under. Because I would want someone to do the same. I'll also have three days to hopefully move out of my car and into the house that I will be staying at for a while, when we are in Phoenix. Yep, my car still has all of my belongings in it from when I did this. Then it's off to San Jose for several days.

Some days just feel really heavy. Yesterday was one of those days. Sometimes I feel helpless. Like events happening in my life are completely out of my control. I hate that feeling. I want to be in control. I want to call the shots. And then reality sets in- I remember that I am NOT the One who calls the shots. But I know the One who is, and when I start to feel the weight of life pressing down on me, I must concentrate on what I CAN do, not what I can't. I CAN pray. I CAN be present wherever I am, and be helpful and productive in that situation. I CAN stop worrying, because that isn't helping anyone. And I CAN take care of myself.

His mercies are new every morning, and I feel them on this morning. Great is Thy faithfulness. Now hopefully the baby won't scream for five hours in the car.

Kinda Random

So most of you have heard of this gal, and probably have seen this already. I hadn't yet, and it moved me to tears! Check it out:

Watch a Dream Come True - Susan Boyle

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Oh. My. Goodness.

The last three weeks have been a blur. Let's summarize, shall we?

-I completely uprooted myself from Denver, CO (a place I hold near and dear to my heart... I will come back!)

-Went to Nashville for a week and a half to hang out with my niece while David and JJ recorded their new album (called "Deeper", it's gonna be sweet).

-Found out midway through our time in Nash that Josh has cancer.

-Flew back to Denver for less than 24 hours, packed up all of my belongings, drove to Phoenix in 12.5 hours with Bella scrunched in the backseat

-Less than 24 hours later flew to CA, back to AZ, flew to TX, found out while there that my grandmother passed away.

-Flew back to AZ, less than 12 hours later flew to PA to attend my grandmother's funeral.

-Today...in AZ. Tomorrow...in CA.

- Oy.