The result of loss.

Joy. Sadness.

I haven't blogged in a couple months. Haven't really felt the inspiration to. Recently though, I heard a speaker talk about these two feelings coexisting in a person after experiencing some form of loss. It's not just a possibility, but a reality for many. Anyone who, I believe, has an eternal perspective and has experienced loss, very well may be caught in this paradoxical position of plight. To narrow this down to a personal note, losing Josh this year has brought me great sadness, especially during more recent moments around the holidays, when family gatherings are emphasized and brought to the forefront.

However, weaved into these dark threads, joy exists also, swirling around those moments of sadness so much so that from one thought to the next there can be completely opposite feelings. Fond memories like baking an apple pie with my brother can be coupled with driving him to the hospital in writhing pain. Sharing a sweet moment with him last year on my front porch in Denver can then switch to a flash of a hospital room and breathing machines. I can be filled with joy while worshiping in church, and the next moment remember being in the same building on the day of Josh's funeral.

I have to allow myself to feel the joy with the sadness. It's essential. It's healthy. It's something that my friend suggests, should be cherished. I can't feel bad about experiencing moments of happiness and laughter these days; that's the joy and the hope that my Savior brings me. In the same way, my Father also allows me to go into those dark places of sadness, longing for what was lost, the void that now exists, the pain that comes with searing loss. Four and a half months later, and there are moments when it feels like yesterday he was still here, talking to me about the multiple benefits of drinking goats milk. Or World War II strategies. Or the upgrades he wanted to do to his car. I want to remember, I want to feel it. I want to feel like there is something missing, because there is, and there always will be this side of Heaven.

It is interesting because I am no longer sad for Josh. I was sad for him when he was alive. Now I am sad for those of us left behind. Those of us who muddle on through this imperfect life, until our time comes to be taken Home. Josh has it so good; he has not a care in the world. It is all of us here, on Earth, who I wish could be enjoying what Josh is enjoying. For him, all has been made new. For him, there is no more pain, or sorrow, or sadness (Rev 21). Only joy.

My hope for us is that we would acknowledge and recognize the intermingling of joy and sadness that can and will coexist in our hearts after experiencing loss. That we would choose to welcome both of their visits, allow them to stay as long as they like, and concede to both affecting us in a way that gives us more of a glimpse into the fullness of humanity and our Father's heart for us all.

It's not what you know, but WHO you know.

This post has been a couple months in the making; the thoughts and ideas have swirled around in my head, but nothing ever concrete has landed. This is my attempt to harness those spurts into a coherent thought.

I think that sometimes Christians who have grown up in the church either find themselves having the expectation that they should know more about Christianity and Scripture than a newer believer, or that others expect them to. Actually, maybe I should just speak for myself. There will be times when I am talking to someone who quotes verse after verse from the Bible and I think to myself, that all sounds so familiar, but I would not be able to tell you the reference for it in the Bible. And then I spiral downwards, beating myself up over the fact that my knowledge of the Word is not up to par where I think it should be, having known the Lord since I was four years old, shouldn't I have read the Bible cover to cover like 20 times by now? And then the thought pops into my head, do others expect me to know this? Am I letting people down because I don't know the book of Ephesians off the top of my head?

I was turning this over in my head a few weeks ago while driving when I felt a wave of peace come over me. This is where GRACE lives, Jes. This is where He steps in, where there is a Companion with me at all times that gives me the words to say when I need them. Perhaps the point is not to have the head knowledge to win the Sword Drill in Sunday School, but to win the battle over my soul by knowing the One who gives me words to speak at all. The pressure melted away.

Maybe I am not up to par with my Scripture memory, but I can say with confidence that I know the One who breathed life into that Scripture, and He is what sustains me and gives me life. The pressure is off, grace is on, the inspiration to study the Word is strong; not in order to meet others expectations, but because it is something I have the privilege to do. It gives me life. It gives me strength. It brings wisdom.

Threshed and Ground to Perfection.

When I was a little girl, my family would have dinner together and then spend some time reading through a devotional, the Bible, or perhaps a chapter from a book. I have fond but foggy memories of listening to my parents read to us from "Hinds' Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard. Recently I decided to pick up a copy and read it again for myself.

If you haven't read this oldie but goodie, I highly recommend you pick it up; it's a wonderful allegory for the Christian journey each of us must take in order to see Glory. I'm about halfway through my read and came upon a reference to Isaiah 28:27-29, which says:

27 Caraway is not threshed with a sledge,
nor is a cartwheel rolled over cummin;
caraway is beaten out with a rod,
and cummin with a stick.

28 Grain must be ground to make bread;
so one does not go on threshing it forever.
Though he drives the wheels of his threshing cart over it,
his horses do not grind it.

29 All this also comes from the LORD Almighty,
wonderful in counsel and magnificent in wisdom. (NIV)



-Every grain is uniquely ground to suit it's kind
-It is not ground forever, but just until it is the consistency of the grinder's purpose
-All this is from an all-powerful, mighty God, who intended it this way

In my application to my life, I thought about how uniquely we are made in God's eyes. Each one of us with different strengths, weaknesses, and needs. God takes us to the threshing floor, he grinds us, refines us, and makes us just the right consistency so that we may glorify Him and function as God intended for each one of us.

The main character, Much-Afraid, witnesses this process happening with the grain and then steps outside with the realization that when we go through trials, roadblocks in the way of getting to our goal, the delay is not unto death, but for the ultimate glory of God.

So we must live. Striving always to have acceptance with joy in the midst of being threshed, ground, and refined.

Brother.

This morning Josh went to be with the Lord. Finally his body has been restored, he lives without any pain, and he is completely healed! Definitely know it hasn't all sunk in, it seems so surreal. We've spent ten months knowing this day would come and now it is here. I'm relieved to know Josh doesn't have to fight anymore, I'm sad there will be no new memories made with him, I rejoice that he is up in Heaven now, singing, laughing, dancing, and doing it all pain free. I love you bro.

Mucho Grande

I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to join five women on an excursion into the depths of the Grand Canyon last week! What an experience! I cannot wait until the next time I can return to that absolutely breath-taking canyon!

Due to time constraints and the short amount of time we had to plan, we did a day hike descending from the South Rim on the South Kaibab Trail, cutting west on the Tonto Trail to Indian Garden, and then ascending the Bright Angel Trail. All in all, the hike was a little over 13 miles.

I could not have asked for a better group of women to participate in this experience! From the night before where we all gathered to talk about what we wanted to hear from God the next day, to the post hike debriefing on the porch, every lady added something personal to the experience!



It's hard to be in that canyon, looking all around, and not recognize a higher power and Ultimate Creator of such beauty/enormity/perfection. Each person in our group at one point or another was turning her face heavenward either in gratitude, desperation, requisition, or perhaps all three! At times one can get caught up in the act of putting one's nose to the grindstone and forget the environment in which we find ourselves. One of the ladies early on in the hike said to no one in particular, "Don't miss it!" From that moment on, that phrase stuck with me as I meandered through the valleys, zig zagged the switchbacks, and spurred on my sisters.



As I was hiking, I recall saying to my Maker, "more of you and less of me." That was the goal. Abide in Him, and be filled with Him, as I emptied myself. One of the gals described the journey in this way: As we descended, we were still functioning on our own strength, filled with ourselves. As we depleted our resources, our energy and our rations, we were emptying ourselves until there was nothing left. This made room for the turn around to make the journey up and out, being filled with what God had to pour into us. By coming to the end of ourselves, it makes room for God to come in and fill us with Him.



I am so very thankful for this trip down into the canyon, and count it an honor to have experienced it with Alisa, Erica, Lindsey, Molly, and Renee!

Some updated pics.

I'm taking a pause from my regular self-reflective posts in order to share with all of you a couple of the latest pics I've snapped of the cutest kid in the whole wide world. My niece. Lucy. Hopefully these will make you smile and make your day a little brighter! Observe:

This Life

As I watch one family member inch closer and closer to death, I watch another one blossom with each new day into life. Oh, the cycle of life. The pain, the joy, the suffering, the fear, the control, the letting go. I feel them all right now, running through me like a stream, different from one moment to the next.

A friend of mine lost her mom to cancer today. One more reminder of the brevity of life. My prayers are with her and her family.

I had probably the hardest conversation I've ever had to initiate yesterday. The specifics of arrangements after you've left this earth are not fun things to talk about with anyone. Neither is putting in writing the black and white layout of when you would not want to be resuscitated. But Josh took it in stride, and was a champ. Hopefully the subject will not have to be broached again for a long time. I don't think I could handle many more of those.

I hope Josh returns in three weeks completely rejuvenated and alive with a renewed hope for a miracle and a restored sense of well-being. The realistic side of me has to question if he will return. All I can do is pray now. All I can do is send him my love and my petitions to the Lord for a safe and pain free experience. In less than 4 hours he will be on his way to the airport and I won't be able to control a single thing. Of course, I can't control anything now either, but if he is living a few miles away, I'm under the impression that I can.

My prayers of peace are with you, brother. I love you, and I hope your time in Florida is everything you hope it will be.

More questions than answers.

What do you do when your best efforts aren't ever good enough? How do you hold those you love with an open hand, when all you want to do is squeeze them tightly? What do you say to someone who is staring death in the face? How do you comfort them? What does that journey down that road look like? Is there any way to prepare for it? What do you do to find peace, when all around you is utter chaos? What if the only constant in your life right now is change?

These are just a few of the questions swirling around in my brain right now. A few things that I am attempting to wrap my head around while also staying present and mindful of the activity happening right NOW.

My family is being wrung out, refined, put in the kiln, and stripped bare right now. Some days are better than others, some moments are better than others. Some days just feel like I am an article of clothing, thrown in the wash and swirling around without any hope of finding rest until the cycle is complete. Hmmm, until I am made complete?

On any given day: I'm a single parent, a parent to a parent, a chauffer, a caregiver, a listener, a truth-teller, a prayer warrior, a chef, a housekeeper, a yogi, a learner, a teacher, one and only one person.

I can only do what I can do. I can only handle what I can handle. I have to stay healthy, I must have good self-care, and I have to let it ALL go and give it ALL to God. These are important points to remind myself of at the moment. Oh yeah, and give myself and others grace all the while.

The Calm AFTER the storm

We have had a DOWNPOUR of rain the last few days here in Arizona. Some towns had to even go into a state of emergency because the flooding was so bad; and there were power outages all across the state. However, the desert just absolutely SOAKED up the rain and loved every single minute of it! And it shows.

Bella and I needed some quality time together, it had been a while. She and I took a nice jaunt around the North Mountain preserve. I knew we would be in for a treat so I brought my camera along with me. She's nothin special, but it will give you a little idea of the beauty we beheld!

I love the red in the spikes!

I guess it can be the mountains or desert, she's just happy to be in the outdoors!

It was so incredible to see the young new growth that blanketed the desert floor with green

I love when the clouds are like this, so dramatic!

Cruisin' Clips

Blogging is sort of one of those things for me that is added to the list, but somehow gets shuffled down to the bottom repeatedly, until I find myself in that perfect place to sit down, quiet my mind, and write. I think it is a good practice for me, so I will press on and continue to make it...somewhat...of a priority, but it is a little but more work than pleasure.


With that said, I have to blog about the wonderful experience of going on a family cruise to the Mexican Riviera two weeks ago! I approached the cruise with a few apprehensive thoughts, especially since the WHOLE family would be going. Family dynamics are an interesting animal, and I wasn't so sure I was up for the management of it this time around.



Fortunately, God was so gracious to me and the rest of the family in giving us a really wonderful time together! A fabulous waitstaff served us every single evening in the dining hall, beautiful cabins for each of us (balconies overlooking the ocean) were both turned down for us at night and made up the next morning, gorgeous weather, and a new shared experience.

Some highlights:
A week on a HUGE ship with no responsibilities
GOOOOD food
A beautiful workout facility-working out with Mom on the treadmills
Rockclimbing with David every day on deck 14 of the ship
Ping Pong with Dad
Blackjack with the siblings one night in my room
Admiring the rock formations at Cabo San Lucas, dipping in the ocean with Dad
Waking up early and seeing the sun rise on Mazatlan
Watching dolphins jump out of the water and whales spray water into the air!
Heading up into the hills at Puerto Vallarta and doing 13 ziplines with David and Dad (at one point 400ft in the air, going 1800ft across a canyon, hanging upside down, and going backwards!)
Amazing times spent with just me and God.



I consciously made the effort while on the cruise to spend at least an hour of time with the Lord while I had the opportunity to do so. There was no excuse not to! It was a really amazing time. I spent each day reading a chapter in a book by Ruth Haley Barton called, "Invitation to Solitude and Silence". At the end of the chapter is a practice focusing on sitting in silence and concentrating on what the Lord might have to teach you that day. Lots of reflection and lots of time listening in silence. SO GOOD!