Provision.

Almost three weeks ago, my car was stolen from in front of the house where I've been living. My initial feelings ran a wide spectrum- I felt violated, I felt like an injustice had happened to me, I was in shock; and yet, there was a peace over me as well. I just needed to sort of laugh at the situation and take a step back to see how God was going to come through on this one.

There were a few complicating factors: I totaled my car three years ago and collected a salvage check, I don't have homeowner's insurance or renter's insurance, my title and all car paperwork is in a file...that's in the trunk of the car.

About a week ago I found out that my car was worth $400 back in 2006 after my accident, so a claims investigator was confused as to why I have been paying comprehensive rates on my car for the last three years on a car that is basically worth zilch at this point....after I heard that news, I was a bit ticked at my insurance agent that he hadn't informed me of this little tidbit of information. After doing a few calculations, I was about $1500 in the hole in overpayments alone. Not to mention the personal effects in the car that weren't going to be reimbursed.

Enter the good news: my dad was meeting with a family friend about something completely unrelated, but was telling her about my situation. She informed my dad that her mother had recently passed away and a car had been left in her possession that she had no use for keeping. She enthusiastically insisted that she give the car to me. After my dad found out that it was a car somewhat resembling a boat, he gently stated that it might not be a great fit for his daughter (the practical, gas-saving, earth-loving being that she is).

However, after a little more thought, my dad told his friend that he would be delighted to take the car, and he would give the car that he is driving, to me! Now this is something I can drive! My dad will be the proud owner of a boat that has 37,000 miles it, is ancient, and yet is in immaculate condition.

Fast forward to Christmas Eve: My insurance claims agent leaves a message on my cell. They have decided to settle and close my claim, with no news on the car, they have decided to cut me a check.....for $2000!!!!!!

HECK YES!

I not only will be GIVEN a car, but I will have more than enough money to replace the belongings that were in the car originally!

And that's what I call, provision.

Home.

This past week I had the opportunity to spend time back in my old stopping grounds of Denver, CO to take a mini vacation while David and JJ packed up their house in Nashville. They finally closed on it on Friday! It has been three and a half months now since I jam-packed my room into my Honda Civic (bless it’s soul, wherever it’s stolen remains may be) and drove back to Phoenix. My how life takes us on so many twists and turns. Since then, Josh was diagnosed with cancer, my grandmother passed away, my parents moved, David and JJ have a song on the radio, Lucy celebrated her first birthday, my car got stolen and perhaps another one might be given to me….

Despite the rollercoaster that has been my life, taking a break and returning to Denver still felt like home. Catching up with friends was like putting on my winter coat that has been hanging in my closet the last several months- it fit like a glove and was as comfortable as ever! I enjoyed every minute spent with friends, laughing and crying, walking and talking, listening and telling. As much as Denver is a place where I feel at peace, I also know that Phoenix is where I am meant to be during this season of my life. I don’t know how long this season will be, but while I am in it, I will try my hardest to bloom where I’m planted, take a day at a time, notice God’s little graces throughout the day, and recognize God’s provision and orchestration every step of the way.

My hope is that during this Christmas season, we will all recognize God’s ultimate provision for us. Merry Christmas friends!

NoCal

Today is the last day that we are in San Jose before heading back to AZ for some Thanksgiving dinner and time at home for a few weeks! While in Northern California, there were many things to smile about, whether it be a really good interview for JJ on KLove, or me getting to see an old friend I've known since I was 11. We also spent an afternoon in San Fransisco on the way back to San Jose from the Klove studio in Sacramento. I had never been up to Coit Tower before, so the four of us headed up for the spectacular view it provides at the top of the hill, overlooking the bay in a 360 degree view! My favorite line of the day was from JJ who said, "Today, I love my job." My sentiments exactly!

Here are a few pics from our time!

On our way to Fisherman's Warf for a Chowder breadbowl

The Girls :)

The Bay Bridge on a beautiful day

Kristin and me- friends from the club soccer days

The Trip to Tucson

On Tuesday this week I took Josh down to the University Medical Center down in Tucson for his second Chemotherapy drip. I wanted to do this. I wanted to do this for myself, so that I could experience what Josh goes through when he is getting his treatment. I wanted to be able to relate to him regarding this experience. I wanted to do it for my parents. They have done so much for Josh lately, it was time to give them a break. I wanted to do it for Josh, to give him a break from my parents, and to walk beside him through this journey.

I felt the prayers of those who have been supporting me and my family. I felt like God carried us through the whole process on Tuesday, from start to finish. The staff at UMC are really wonderful, the facilities are very comfortable and peaceful, and the free wireless connection was a nice bonus :)

It was hard to hold back asking Josh questions about the process of the day, but I could tell her was anxious about it already, and I didn't need to add to that. So I tried as best I could to accommodate him, carry his stuff, grab things from the car if he needed them, and waited...and waited...and waited.

Every nurse that Josh came in contact with was soon won over by his knowledge of what they were doing, or his vigor in wanting to hit this cancer with all he's got. Every procedure left everyone with a smile on their face, from the blood draw, to the exam, to the 3 1/2 hours of chemo. It was pretty amazing to watch, actually. Josh just has a way with the nurses.

The next day was a little more on the overwhelming side for me, as we met with the homeopathic doctor (cash only) and he recommended about half a dozen supplements for Josh to take, on top of the other four or five medications he is already taking. I agree the Western medicine and Eastern medicine should coincide with one another, I just wish there was a way to get some of it covered by insurance. Josh is shoveling out a lot of money for these natural remedies. On top of which, he is talking to two or three other friends that are recommending their own concoctions for Josh to try. Josh's brain just soaks up all the information, but hearing all of this stuff for the first time sort of made m head spin and overwhelmed me.

And even though I want Josh to do whatever he can to kill this cancer, I think there has to be a limit to how many different things he can put in his body. This next cycle, if Josh ingested all the pills that have been recommended by all of the people he has been talking to, he is probably up to a couple dozen a day. Between the Xeloda, the anti-nausea, the pain killers, the supplements, and the homeopathic remedies. It was all just a little much for me.

The important thing is that I experienced it all WITH Josh. We were able to talk about it. Sit in it. And just be. I made sure he knew that I love him and want what is best for him. And he gave me permission to kick his butt back into place if it comes to that.

We made it back home, I went for a nice long run yesterday afternoon, and then had a wonderful yoga session this morning. Thank the Lord for exercise! Now I prepare for a week and a half on the road....Texas and California here we come!

How quickly things can change.

Quite the contrast from my last post, but such is life. I have spent the last day and a half full time with JJ and little Lucy to provide some extra help while David spends the weekend with some old buddies hiking down the Grand Canyon. I'm a bit jealous. Things have been going well, Lucy has been great during the day....last night was a little rough in the sleep department. Must have been going around though, because when the three of us arrived at my parent's house this morning to check out the neighborhood garage sale, I could tell it was gonna be a rough day with Josh.

Things have been going so well lately, but today was one of those days. When he's feeling good, life is good. When he's feeling crappy, it takes a toll on us all. I understand that there will be good days and bad days. And I understand that one's attitude will be affected by this. What I get upset about is the backlash that is directed towards my parents.

These actions are inexcusable and unmerited in regards to my parent's actions and constant sacrifice of themselves for Josh's sake. I become defensive of my parents, especially my mom, who bears the brunt of it, and absorbs all of Josh's comments and harsh words with grace and patience. But I know it is slowly chipping away at her, and it must hurt her heart. It hurts mine.

How do I just allow this to continue? How do I just let it go? Can't I fix it? Isn't there something I can do? Can't this all just go away???

A few days ago I felt like a load had been lifted off of me. Today that load just came back in full force upon me like flash flood.

His mercies are new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness. And repeat.

I think it all hurts so much because I love my family so much. I love Josh. I love my parents. I don't want to see them hurt each other. I don't want Josh to feel like there isn't a single person in our family that isn't on his side. We are all pulling for him, we are all here for him and love him. He needs to see that and recognize it for himself. I can't make him see that. That's a choice he has to make.

May God grant me the gift of mercy and patience during this time. To love Josh without condition. Without expectation. Wanting only what is best for him, what God wants for him.

Normalizing

I don't know if that's an actual word, but I feel like that's what has happened to me and my family in the last couple of weeks. Seems as though a load has been lifted off of my shoulders, and it was by no strength on my part. Someone much stronger needed to take that load, thank goodness for Him!

I am thankful for a great boss who takes morning and afternoon naps, for the chance to walk through my parent's front door on a daily basis, if I so choose, for sunny days in November to hike a mountain or go on a long trail run. I've found solace in practicing Holy Yoga at my church on a regular basis. It may sound cheesy, but don't knock it til you try it, Alisa will kick your butt!

One more week here in Phoenix before another road trip for a few days. But I'll be ready then. It's been great to be in once place, but it's fun to mi it up every once in a while.

Also, JJ's song "Your hands" has taken off on the radio! She can be heard on a couple major radio stations across the country, including Klove and KSBJ! It's been fun to receive texts from people all across the US who are listening to JJ and wanna share in the excitement :)

God is good. All the time. And His mercies are new every morning.

Truly.

Processing....

Tonight marks the start of the longest stint for being "off" since I started working for David and JJ at the end of August. They don't have any performances until Saturday night, so I feel like I will finally get some time to settle in to my new "home" for now. At the top of the list is getting some rest and hanging with my parents and Josh, but I also want to reconnect with old friends and assemble some sense of community for times like this, when I will be in one place for a couple weeks.

I started that reconnecting tonight. I went for a walk with a friend I've known for years. Walks are one of my favorite activities to do with another person, for various reasons. Firstly, the pace is one that is compatible for two people of varying fitness levels. Secondly, walking allows one to take in a lot more of the surrounding elements as opposed to running, in which case I am mostly focused on not scuffing my foot on the pavement and falling on my face. Thirdly, I think it is something that was modeled by the One I try to pattern my life after, most days. He walked and talked with people, sharing, listening, walking in stride with those He loved.

So tonight I walked with my friend. It had been a while. It felt comfortable. Through sharing about my life and what I've been experiencing the last couple of months- the changes, the trials, the tears, I was struck with the importance of verbal communication...once again. I'd like to think I can process my life on my own, in my head, but tonight was a good reminder that when I try to process in my head, sometimes I don't ask myself questions that I don't feel like answering. By verbally processing with someone else, questions are asked of me that are outside of my ability to shove away or ignore.

Why do I want to avoid those questions? Ah, that is the question. Perhaps for fear of what the answer might be? Is it fear itself? Will I have to change? Am I in the wrong in some way? Is it because the answer is that I can't control everything and everyone? I'm sure there is a surplus of other questions to ask in order to get to the bottom of that main question.

What I will say, is that I am grateful to the friends who WILL ask me those questions, and then walk with me, side by side, as I process. Thank you to those who have already been a part of this, and to those who will play a role in the future. Life is meant to be lived with others. Shared.

Anyone wanna go for a walk? :)

Happiest Place on Earth!

We've been in California since last Friday. After David and JJ sang at a church in Northern California on Sunday morning, we made our way down to Southern California for a few days off before they perform on UCLA's campus tonight. JJ celebrated her 29th birthday while we've been on the road, and what better way to celebrate than to go to Disneyland! In 2009 Disneyland is giving free admission on your birthday, so JJ wanted to take advantage of the opportunity and take Lucy along for the ride.




We spent a solid 5 hours at the park. JJ's grandpa met us there on his motorized scooter....which got us to the FRONT of EVERY ride in a matter of seconds! It was great! Thanks, Bampa! Another treat was that the University of Portland soccer team ended up being there that afternoon. I was able to meet up with a couple of the gals near "It's a Small World". Thought it was only appropriate that that should be the meeting place :)




Lucy was a champ! She did great, and we each go to go on a ride that we wanted to, before heading out.



We will get a few weeks at home in Phoenix after this performance at UCLA tonight. It will be good to get some time with the family, and stay put for a little while. Some fun updates on Lucy's development: She is now a clapping machine! Yes, that's right, Lucy has learned how to clap. She is also enjoying many more solid foods, and is not a fan of baby food mush anymore. She's become quite the babbler. She's getting pretty good at entertaining herself in her carseat now :)

Birthday Happenings

I had a wonderful birthday yesterday, spent with David, JJ and little Lucy! The day started with a walk, girls only, to the farmer's market down the road from JJ's parent's house. I love the freshness of the market, the personal touch, the direct exchange from grower to buyer, and all the fun colors!





The after noon included a trip to a wonderful Thai place in Santa Cruz and some beach time:





It was a good day. I felt special, and happy to be alive :) Thanks for a fun day David and JJ! (and Lucy)

What about me?

After JJ and David sang five times in two days, we are preparing to head out of the Redlands, and back to Phoenix for a much needed few days of rest. I've still been living out of the same suitcase that I left Denver with, one month ago....with a couple loads of laundry in between.

I enjoyed seeing a good friend while I was here in California. She added a slice of familiarity and comfort that I really needed. Thanks Kel. She reminded me that I can't take care of anyone if I don't take care of myself. I know that, and I can tell myself that, but there's a feel that's completely different hearing it from someone else. It caused me to break down for a second and shed a few tears. I think I've done a good job of being self aware through this process, but it is also easy to lose perspective and keep giving and giving and going strong, because there is so much to be done, and always something to do. Someone to care for.

Today we are driving back to AZ, and after four days of watching a little one, I will stay a night at my parents house and take on the responsibility of watching out for three big ones. Not because it's expected, because I love them. Because I know the stress they are under. Because I would want someone to do the same. I'll also have three days to hopefully move out of my car and into the house that I will be staying at for a while, when we are in Phoenix. Yep, my car still has all of my belongings in it from when I did this. Then it's off to San Jose for several days.

Some days just feel really heavy. Yesterday was one of those days. Sometimes I feel helpless. Like events happening in my life are completely out of my control. I hate that feeling. I want to be in control. I want to call the shots. And then reality sets in- I remember that I am NOT the One who calls the shots. But I know the One who is, and when I start to feel the weight of life pressing down on me, I must concentrate on what I CAN do, not what I can't. I CAN pray. I CAN be present wherever I am, and be helpful and productive in that situation. I CAN stop worrying, because that isn't helping anyone. And I CAN take care of myself.

His mercies are new every morning, and I feel them on this morning. Great is Thy faithfulness. Now hopefully the baby won't scream for five hours in the car.

Kinda Random

So most of you have heard of this gal, and probably have seen this already. I hadn't yet, and it moved me to tears! Check it out:

Watch a Dream Come True - Susan Boyle

Posted using ShareThis

Oh. My. Goodness.

The last three weeks have been a blur. Let's summarize, shall we?

-I completely uprooted myself from Denver, CO (a place I hold near and dear to my heart... I will come back!)

-Went to Nashville for a week and a half to hang out with my niece while David and JJ recorded their new album (called "Deeper", it's gonna be sweet).

-Found out midway through our time in Nash that Josh has cancer.

-Flew back to Denver for less than 24 hours, packed up all of my belongings, drove to Phoenix in 12.5 hours with Bella scrunched in the backseat

-Less than 24 hours later flew to CA, back to AZ, flew to TX, found out while there that my grandmother passed away.

-Flew back to AZ, less than 12 hours later flew to PA to attend my grandmother's funeral.

-Today...in AZ. Tomorrow...in CA.

- Oy.

Newport Beach

Okay, so I forgot my camera, but JJ had hers! Here's a good one of Lucy when we were hanging out at Newport Beach. She's recently begun to sit up on her own very well. It was a perfect day to be outside with a soft ocean breeze, the sun shining, and lots of happy people all enjoying the beach!

Oops....

I forgot to charge my camera battery between trips, so I don’t have any pics from our LA trip this weekend. Sorry, no visual material to go along with this post. We spent a great few days hanging out in Southern California, I stayed with JJ’s cousin and her family, while David, JJ and Lucy were just down the road staying at the worship pastor’s house of the church where they played on Sunday.

Both of the shows where David and JJ sang were very well received, and of course, everyone absolutely loved Lucy! This was not the first time I heard ladies commenting to one another, “Oh look at that cute little doll-baby!”

My mind traveled between being present, and thinking about Josh and my parents, dealing with everything that is going on back in Phoenix. I am looking forward to seeing them this afternoon as we spend less than 24 hours in AZ before heading to Texas for some shows over the next several days.

Josh is spending his time recovering from the colectomy, and will hopefully continue to feel better with each day- as his pain subsides, and he learns how to effectively maintain and live with a colostomy bag. He has had a few visitors come out to the house to visit or play Xbox with him.

Please pray for rest for Josh and my parents, continued healing from the surgery, and that Josh would see God in the midst of all that is happening. That he would recognize the orchestration of God’s hand in this mess- that we all would.

12.5 hrs later!

I made it! And almost all of my stuff did too, thanks to my all-star roommates that helped me pack the car. Bella had less than half the backseat to her name, but she was a total trooper! The day started off with a quick trip to get the tire pressure checked, just in case. The front left tired looked a little flat; and for good read, it had a nail in the sidewall. So thanks to God's protection, I got it patched up before I even left town!

Getting all patched up

Here are a couple pics right before taking off....Bella is on the other side :(

And I took this one as I was driving into AZ, back to the old stompin' grounds...



So after a night's rest, I am off to LA this afternoon to meet up with JJ and Co. for a couple of shows this weekend.

The job of a nanny is never done!

Please continue to be in prayer for Josh and my family. Josh is now home from the hospital and recuperating from surgery.

Crap.

Sorry to have a lull in the blog-posting arena the past several days. I've been trying to wrap my head around some news about my oldest brother, Josh, that has shocked us all. On Friday night Josh went in for surgery to have a fistula repaired in between his colon and bladder, and came out of surgery with the news that he had six inches of his colon removed, and they found vast amounts of cancer throughout his GI tract. Cancer. Wow. What? Yeah.

Friday night was full of tears and trying to get my head wrapped around the reality of the situation. Saturday was a bit of a blur- pulled weeds, cried, zoned out, held back more tears, watched a movie....

By Saturday afternoon I was able to feel more at peace with the situation and do some processing with David and JJ regarding what was happening. A welcomed relief has been seeing Lucy's smiling face on a daily basis. Her eyes and smile just melt my heart every time!

The decision was made for us to stay in Nashville until the recording project that David and JJ have been working on is finished. They just have one more day now, and the project has turned out so well!

Right now we are just taking things day by day with Josh's situation, and asking for lots and lots of prayer. Please join our family in asking the Lord for peace over this unforseen circumstance, and that He would be glorified through it all.

I love you bro!

A Daily Ritual

I never thought I'd be so grateful for a cemetery! The recording studio backs up to one, intentionally, so that it cuts down on noise pollution for recording purposes. It comes in handy for Lucy and me to get out of the studio when Lu starts to get fussy as well. It's quite peaceful in there, and no one cares much (or at all....they're dead) if Lucy fusses a bit!

1st day at the job

This is a photo David snapped recently of little Lucy Love

Today was Day 1 for David and JJ in the studio at Sputnik Sound in Nashville, and day 1 for me at my new job as nanny for little Lucy. The little one and I are getting reacquainted with one another after a month or so of not seeing each other. She recognizes people's faces and voices a lot more than she used to...especially her momma's. This was problematic today, as she has a bit of separation anxiety. We tried to stay out of line of vision so that Lucy wouldn't get worked up about being in my arms rather than JJ's. Over the course of the day, Lu became more and more comfortable with me. We went across the street, just the two of us-for a swing together, her first one, and by the end of the day, she even fell asleep on me while I lay on the couch. Those were definitely the two highlights of my day :) Can't beat a sleeping child curled up close to you!

Tomorrow promises to be even more of a bonding experience, and the next, and the next!

We have the video camera with us, so be sure to check in on JJ's website shortly for a video journal. We'll get one up eventually.

What I know....

Sooooo....since the last time I blogged, a bit has changed in the destination department. Such as, I don't really know what, or more specifically where, the next nine months are going to take me or look like...AT ALL. Nashville is not a for sure thing anymore since the housing is now more affordable on the West coast. I could be moving to California....northern or southern, or possibly be in Arizona. There is a lot up in the air, as far as the location of where I will call home for the next nine months. It will be an adventure no matter what, that's for sure!

Here's what I do know:

-As of today, I am no longer employed by Outward Bound.
-Through the end of May I will be nannying for my beautiful niece, Lucy.
-I am not a huge fan of change or transition, and both are happening in full force in my life right now.
-I have lived in a beautiful state for the last four and a half years, and feel as though I have been able to take full advantage of it's grandeur over my time here in Colorado.







-I am going to miss my community, church, roommates...room, and neighborhood very much.
-Spending the next nine months with my niece, brother and sister in law is going to be a really special experience.
-I know God is walking beside me every step of the way!


I am going to try to blog more often in the days to come, as I begin this new season of life as a nanny/booking agent/roadie for JJ Heller. Feel free to stop by periodically to see what state we just came from, and where we might be going next!

A Change in Scenery

It's official blogworld, I'm moving to Nashville at the end of August! I don't even know who reads this anymore, but I thought I'd make the announcement. After lots of prayer, processing, and thinking, I'm going to join David and JJ, and their newest addition- Lucy Love, in Nashville for a little while to be a nanny/booking agent/personal assistant/helper in any way I can.


This is an amazing opportunity to share in the ever new and exciting life of my now four and a half month old niece, and travel around the country with my musically-talented brother and sister-in-law, while using Nashville as the home base.



I'm excited to see what the Lord has planned for me as I take a step in a completely new direction. I never imagined that I would leave Denver so soon, as I really feel at home here, but it is only a temporary absence. My roommates, community, and church have been such an amazing family, and I will miss everyone immensely. It is definitely not an easy thing for me to leave. And at the same time, I look forward to living in a region of the county that I haven't had much exposure to, and taking advantage of the time spent with my family to live and work together.

I have the desire to look for volunteer opportunities while I am living in Nashville, possibly to become a Big Sister to a teenage gal, or look into some mentorship opportunities. I want to be able to establish myself wherever I am living, and I think giving back to my community is a way to do that.



The phrase, "Bloom where you're planted" continually pops into my head as a reminder for me to be as impactful as possible in the place where I find myself in the moment. I look forward to seeing how I can plant seeds and bloom in Nashville!

Were I went in '08

I've seen a couple people log where they traveled last year, and unfortunately, I already threw out my 2008 Calendar, but here was the bulk of my travel:

Phoenix, AZ

Steamboat Springs, CO

Portland, OR

Detroit, MI

Portland, OR

Phoenix, AZ

Orlando, FL

Sarasota, FL

Detroit, MI

Nashville, TN

Phoenix, AZ

Maybe more edits to come if I remember them...